Monday, March 22, 2010

How to Write Really Terrible Fiction in Ten Easy Steps

1. Write the generic, nondescript, monosyllabic opening and irrelevent exposition in continuing past tense, rather than simple past tense.

"“This is going to be stupid,” I muttered to my boyfriend as he drove. We were going to the biggest, hottest party of the year. Most normal people would love to go. But since when have I been normal? Normaly I stay home durring these parties, but Jason wouldn’t take no for an answer. Jason, is my jock boyfriend. Hottie. I never really dated much, but my dating history is colorful. I dated Joey the band guy, George the punk guy, and Jasper the smart one."

2. Don't use punctuation. Give all of your sentences a comma splice, then remove every other comma.

"the alarm rings I sit up and hit the snooze button and look over at Matthew, he looks so peaceful I can’t wake him yet.
I slide out of bed, covering him with the blankets and kiss his cheek. I walk to the bathroom and put on my makeup and do my hair ‘perfect’ i think to myself. There’s a knock at the bathroom door, there’s only two people it would be Ryan or Matthew."

3. Make sure that all of your sentences have fewer than 160 characters. This will effeciently decrease your sentence variety and fluidity. This will come naturally if you text alot.

"I wanted to be with my boyfriend. So badly.
But i was being forced to drive out to our summer cabin on the lake in the middle of no where.
We were only 2 hours into the 5 hour drive.
I dug into my back pack to get my phone.
One new text."

4. Make sure everyone knows, from the beginning of the story, what is going to happen, so that that there is no suspense or anticipation.

"Matthew has been my best friend since we were little. He’s gay and has been for as long as I can remember so, my parents don’t mind me sleeping over here.
Matthew has a twin brother named Ryan, they are identical and very gorgeous. Ryan is straight though, and I’ve liked him for the longest time."

5. Use the same adjectives, adverbs, descriptions, and buzzwords over and over, so that people will understand that you really think it describes something well. Twice in the same sentence is good. Bonus points if the adjective is 'good', 'cool', 'ugly', 'bored', etc.

"“Hey Rose, whatcha up to?” She asked
“Nothing, boring life, as usual.” I muttered. I continued to walk down the hall toward my locker.
I went to all my classes before lunch. I barreled on to lunch, shuffling my feet as I dragged along. My life is so boring."

6. Two words: fan fiction. Yea, sure, you're CREATIVE (and unique, and special, and random, etc), but it would be such a waste of your creative abilities to bother coming up with your own plot, characters, and scenarios-- So just take your favorite mainstream novel, summarize it, then take out all the grammar, add pathetic, fake-sounding dialogue, and write in a few 'interesting', super-'realistic' sex scenes. Don't pick 'Twilight' as your mainstream novel, because your end result will be the exact same as the original novel, and plagiarism is bad.

7. 'Of' has always wanted to be a verb. It isn't, but really, you should give it a chance. Replace 'could have' and 'would have' with 'could of' and 'would of'. No one will know the difference, and that cute little 'of' will get to pretend it's a verb for a while. Good deed for the week: check.

8. Be really, really profound. Use metaphors. If you don't know what the word 'metaphor' means, then just use the words 'dark', 'black', 'tears', 'death', 'infinite', and 'hole' alot. Replace the word 'hole' with 'whole' sometimes.

"Even if you feel like ur being torn apart, you kno that what is best for them will truely be all that matters.. So in the end, you just tough it out, and wait as the time in the hour glass is lessening by the second.. And all u can do is try to make the best of the little time that is left. Though it seems so long.. The sand just keeps falling.. And it takes away the happiness that was with it.
All on the top layers, that no1 notices, until it is spiraling down to the bottem of the glass.. Where it lies in waiting. For when the glass is turned once more, and the twisted motion of life is starting again.."

9. Try switching around words that sound similar, but aren't: 'past' and 'passed', 'your' and 'you're', 'fowl' and 'foul', etc.

10. Your protagonist is YOU-- completely unique, special, and misunderstood. Please, describe yourself as random. You are not a trendfollower, just trendy.

"Everybody here hates me because the way I look and dress. Really, what’s so bad about wearing skinnies, colourful/retro shirts and sweaters? Besides the fact my belt is checkered and I have snake bites, I think I look totally normal. My hair is dark brown, with 2 platinum blond streaks on the under layer of my hair. My hair is also very layered, and goes down a little bit passed my bust. But its very appealing on me, if I say so myself."

All examples are genuine Really Terrible Fiction, courtesy of the amateur writers of Facebook's Bathroom Wall application.

Do you recognize any of the above examples? Do they seem a little too familiar to you? If so, you need this:

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